Bigfoot

So I've had a few Red Stripes now, Jamaica's finest schwilly beer, and I gotta say, having gone so long without a beer has really paid off. I feel pretty invincible right now.

I feel like I could whip Sasquatch's ass in a fair, out in the open fight. None of this dodging through the underbrush of some Northen Oregon forrest, playing cat-and-mouse ninja-type shit. I'm talking about the kind of scrap where I hit on his woman in a bar after about 3 pitchers of Fat Tire. He looks up from the pool table where he's making some serious bank (1. Yes, pun intended. 2. If you met Sasquatch in a bar, you'd assume you could take him in a game of 8-Ball) and sees me slowly but steadily rubbing my garbage against his woman's kiester. He comes over and pushes me away from her, still holding his pool cue. I fall down because he took a cheap shot but I flip up onto my feet from my back, like The Rock in Doom. Then I come flying in with a left to his gut. While he's doubled over I grab his pool cue and bust it over his head. Right before we really start to tussle, we hear the distinct *Chuk-CHUK* of a 12-gauge chambering a round.

From behind Ol' Betsy, the bartender says, "You assholes take it outside, I'm on parole."

So me and Sasquatch head out to the parking lot to do the man dance....Or the Man/Man-like dance. I don't know if his thumbs are opposable, so I don't know what to call the dance. Any way we square off, ready to see who goes home with a beautiful lady and who ends up wiping his ass with leaves in the middle of B.F.E.

THAT'S how invincible I feel right now.

Rev. Joshua

Beat

I'm suuuuper tired this morning. It's not the kind of tired you can battle with a simple cup of coffee. I know it's the kind that will be with me a bulk of the day, wearing me down and making me want to punch a neck or two. I reeeeally can't afford to lose my job because of some exhaustion-based neck punches. I'm destined to spend my entire day walking around, doing my best zombie impression and wishing for nothing more than a nappy-poo.

It's times like this when I think, "Maybe smoking a rock or two isn't such a bad idea...."

Rev. Joshua

Crazy Dreams

I had some crazy dreams last night and I'm going to share them because I very rarely remember them. I think they were all about personal growth in some way or another.

My first dream was brief. All I remember was getting off the crapper and seeing the BIGGEST DUKE EVER. It must have been at least as thick as a beer can and 24 inches long. I was all, "Wow, that's a serious dook."

My second dream was some sort of epic space opera/action sequence. I was running with a guy that was a cross between Mal and Han. I was a little worried because we were getting ready to get off our ship and head into the belly of the Death Star. Of course, it wasn't round and nothing looked like the movie sets: it was a scene I saw the ONE time I played Galactic Battles, the Star Wars FPS. So I'm getting myself psyched up to roll out there and I say, "What if Vader's out there." And Malhan says, "We'll just fuck 'im up." At that point, he was more Han than Mal, because he gave me that classy wink and arrogant smile. Then I said, "Works for me, let's roll." And with that, we ran out of the loading bay. Right outside our ramp was Malhan. I was running with Malhan, but he was also a bad guy. He reached for his blaster and I pushed it into his holster all Kill Bill Vol. 2 style. As I looked up from schooling evil Malhan, I saw a semi-transparent image of Darth Vader materialize in the sky above us. It was a clear indication that he had his eye on us. Then we ran off to some undoubtedly excellent adventure which was interrupted by Rage Against the Machine rockin' Bulls On Parade from the alarm clock.

I don't know what I'm letting go of or getting into, but it seems like I'm prepared.

Rev. Joshua

New CDs

I got the new Bloodhound Gang CD this weekend and it's AWESOME! Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo rules. My favorite might be No Hard Feelings, a song about breaking up. The chorus goes, "It's not my job to fuck you on your birthday. It's not my job to fuck you on your birthday, anymore." BHG rule. They've got the same addiction to obscure pop-culture references I do.

I got the new Horrorpops album. It's not as good as their first one, but still enjoyable.

I got the latest White Stripes album. They just keep making quality records.

Rev. Joshua

Lame.

I'm tired of lame websites. I know we all have different tastes, yada yada, but I'm just not interested in sites like this one. Screw you and your cats or dogs or birds wearing tiny glasses and a tiny hat. But, if left to my own devices, I can let these sites slide into the periphery. It's when my dildo friends send me the links and tell me to check 'em out that I get pissed! By now they should know that this shit drives me insane, but they keep sending them to me! I wouldn't even mind if I thought they were just doing it to piss me off. I can take a joke, and at least then I would know they're not sending it to me because they like it.

Maybe, if you have a site like my cat hates you, maybe you get a hobby or you go out and get laid. Hell, I'd prefer they start committing crimes and free-basing crack. ANYTHING to keep you from publishing this garbage.

Rev. Joshua

Takin' It Up a Notch

Today, after tinkling, I realized I could comfortably tighten my belt another notch. The hard work at the gym and careful diet are paying off, I guess.

To celebrate I had a pizza burger and curly fries from the cafeteria. Don't worry, though, I had a diet coke, so it was a pretty healthy meal.

Diet coke kinda freaks me out. I mean, if you look at the nutritional facts, there are zero calories in a diet soda. It also contains 1% of the daily sodium allowance in a 2000 calorie diet. It's a food, but it has nutritional value similar to that of purified water! But it has way more ingredients than water! I worry about all those other sneaky chemicals that give coke it's not-quite-putrescent taste. They're probably eating my stomach lining or giving me cancer. Ah well, who needs stomach linings or major internal organs? What matters is how great I look!

Rev. Joshua

Speech #2

Last night in school I did a speech on why I don't vote: Because I don't want to end up on a jury that convicts a mobster who will then kill me and mine.

I did pretty damn hella, except I didn't practice it very much, so I didn't get the eye contact I needed. That was the teacher's only criticism, though. Had 'em proverbially eating out of the palm of my proverbial hand.

Proverbial.

Rev. Joshua

Ninja Nerds

I met today with a guy from another department because we're working on a project together. He's got good database skills and he's from another country (can't remember which). As we were working on my computer, he asked who, "that guy," , "that guy," was on my desktop. I told him some friends and I had an argument over who would win in a fight between Tyler Durdin and Yoda. To which he replied, "Ah, Star Wars, eh? I am too old for Star Wars. I like Star Trek. Spock....Spock and some Next Generation. The rest, no good."

That was the extent of the conversation, but I was pleased to see that there was another nerd in our midst. Not only that, but a nerd from half way around the globe madly in love with the cold, robutesque logic of Spock. You never know when you're gonna' find a nerd lurking about in the office or mall. We don't all smell bad and wear pointy ears. Who knows...there could be one working in the cube next to you...We are everywhere....

Rev. Joshua

Alpha Male

I can't believe I forgot about this!

Two weekends ago, we went to see The History of Violence. It's a pretty kick-ass movie, if a little slow. I hate, HATE movie talkers. Believe it or not, I didn't plunk down 9 bucks to listen to you chit-chat with your douchebag friend nor to hear you try to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Because this enrages me so, I am accutely aware of any and all distractions during a movie. I wish it were possible to tune these people out and relax, but their utter lack of consideration for those around them grates too much. I still try, though. There's some room for talking at the start of the movie as people settle down and focus their attention, for instance. However, when we were 45 minutes into the film and the couple directly in front of us is still chatting at a conversational tone, I finally lost it.

Moron 1 said something to Moron 2. M2 didn't hear what M1 said and asked, "What?"

To which I replied in a menacing tone, "You can't hear him because there's a movie playing."

They turned to see who could be so rude as to interrupt their coffee shop banter. I stared at them, ready to send a size 14 over the chairs and into their faces. They turned around and they didn't even whisper to each other the rest of the movie.

I can't take it any more. I have to stop any and all movie talkers, even at the risk of bodily harm. If I don't say anything, I'll end up with some peptic ulcer and heart problems. If I'm going to suffer injury on this account, I want it to be in a ham-fisted blaze of glory, not a pepto- and aspirin-chugging Grand Theft Auto race to the emergency room.

Rev. Joshua

Unleashed

We got the unrated version of Unleashed today. You just can't beat the sound asswhipping Jet Li delivers in that flic. I'm just waiting for Jet Li to make a movie in which ALL he does is stomp mudholes. No story, no stilted, semi-intelligible English, just pure, unadulterated martial artsie goodness.

Wait, hold on, that's just a martial arts tourney. Forget it, I'm good to go.

Rev. Joshua

Attack of the Jeezoid!

I don't begrudge anybody their religion. Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism, Wicca, if it makes you a better person and/or makes it easier to get through your day, I'm happy for you. Philosphically, I'll probably disagree, but I will still respect your beliefs. But DO NOT shove them on me.

For instance, during my learning team meeting tonight, one of my teammates mentioned that she wanted to know how carbon dating worked. She's curious about science, cool. So I started to explain how it works, but she interrupted me and went on to state that dinosaurs are only about 4,000 years old because that's what the bible says. I let it go because I wanted to finish our assignment.

Later, she mentioned that her dad was buddhist... "And he believes in reincarnation." Our other teammate says, "I believe in reincarnation. The idea is that you get reincarnated so you can eventually become a perfect human being. Then you can go to heaven."

The girl shook her head condescendingly and said, "I mean, who would want to come back to earth in a new body with all the suffering in the world?"

Now I've had enough. Not only is she preaching, she's condemning somebody else's beliefs. So I turn to her and say, "You must not have a very happy life. I love my life, I'm not suffering at all. I'm glad I'm on this planet in this body."

All she could say was, "Oh yeah?"

All I had to say was, "Yeah."

We didn't discuss religion or belief systems after that. I think that was for the best.

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer Update #2

The other day, in the parking lot, I saw him come sprinting towards me. I tensed up a bit, but I did not get into a full-blown Horse Stance, because I didn't want to tip my hand. There was a possibility that he wasn't coming for me and I couldn't afford to let him know I'm on to what he is.

I was fully ready to bust some Lethal Monkey Flies to the JiffyLoob, when he just jumped in his truck and drove off. I guess he couldn't wait to get home and make it put lotion on it's skin. Keeping people locked in a dungeon is harder work than it seems.

Rev. Joshua

Another Level

Today, at aproximately 5:00 pm, Lynell and I will be faster than we have ever been. We will attain new levels of speed, agility and endurance. We will be wearing our kick-ass new shoes. At our increased speed, food will taste different, everything will look different, and the time we spend with our friends will be limited by their ability to keep up. With our New Balance 898: Explosivo model shoes, we will be great.

You may now return to your mundane, normal-paced lives.
See you in the future, suckos.

Rev. Joshua

L.A. Confidential

I saw L.A. Confidential for the first time tonight. That's a kick ass fuckin' movie! Great story, quality acting and directing. Russell Crow was a stallion. I'm going to buy next time the chance presents itself.

Rev. Joshua

String Cheese

I looove me some string cheese. It's wicked tastie and fun to eat. But since I've been watching what I eat, I've been getting low-fat string cheese. It tastes ok, I guess, but you can't pull of fstrings because it's not all fatty and volumptuous.

Also, probably as a bi-product of the processing, the quality of one string cheese to the next varies widely. Sometimes it's almost like regula SC, other times it's like eating dairy-based chlorine sticks. Don't they know not to mess with a pudgie guy and his cheese?!

Rev. Joshua

The Speech

Yeah, I gave a really boring speech on a really sweet subject. You wouldn't think I could screw up comic books, but everyone was clearly board. I still got an A, so I guess that's nice.

Next week I have to give an after dinner speech. I think I'm going to use Reflections in Red #1. It's a spoken word piece I did during my open mic phase. Red was this creepy guy who lived down the street from my sister. He always wore camo pants and said creepy things about killing people. It's pretty cool when you've been done with your homework for 18 months.

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer Update

I looked up from the silverware rack in the Cafeteria and he was standing right next to me. I smelled his baby lotion before I heard him....

Rev. Joshua

Procrastenator!

I have a 15 minute speech due tonight in class. I waited waaay too long to get started on it and I've been working on it all weekend as a result. I have to hustle home after work to wrap that bitch up.

I am Procrastinator, Doer of Things Tomorrow!

Don't look up to me kids, it'll hurt you in the long run. Of course, if you look up to me today, you won't have to worry about it's ill effects for quite a while....

Rev. Joshua

Thanks, Doog.

Do you bloggers ever consider how much we're like Doogie Howser, M.D.? I mean, he sat at his computer at the end of every episode and he wrote about all the tidbits of wisdom he'd learned. And here we are, typing any little inane thought we might have in the hopes of gleaning anything near that level of real-world knowledge.

It was also a nice way to get the moral of a story across for any inbred mongeloids that may not have been able to pick it up via the clever subtext.

And what's the deal with Vinnie eating pizza in the bathroom?! That shit is gross.

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer

There's a guy that works on the production floor and I think he's a serial killer. He may not know it yet, but he's probably getting ready.

He's got that super-clean look, but with shabby clothes. He wears his jeans too tight and he tucks in his t-shirts. He wears sweaters that belong on little old ladies. He also wears a fanny pack, a trade-mark serial killer accesory. To top it all off, he always reeks of baby lotion.

Mark my words, it's only a matter of time....

Rev. Joshua

Captain's Blog

Well, I was going to name this the Captain's Blog, but I thought I'd stay in the same vein as my Yahoo! group, Rev. Joshua's Intellectual Tent Revival. You can go there and take the entrance exam if you want.

End of line.

Rev. Joshua