B'ware the Interweb

Do NOT let the internet replace your real life! Its a tool, yes, and a toy. You can find people from all over the world with similar interests, hobbies, and psycological disorders. Or you can find people from all over the world pretending to have similar interests, hobbies, and psycological disorders. 30 Helens agree: 99% of all the internet lesbians having cybersex at any given moment are dirty old men in their 40s!

You can pay your bills online and re-register your car, but a vast majority of the internet is just one big fantasy. You can find whatever you're into on the 'net from gerbil-stuffing philanthropist bisexuals to the really freaky stuff like saltwater taffy pullers. The people we meet on the internet and the people we present ourselves as on the internet are no exception. That's why there are no men on the internet with 2" peckers and stamina issues. They've all got 48" prehensile wangs with the gift of speech and a PC muscle that could crack walnuts if they weren't clenched in a heroic battle to ensure a fortnight-length bone session.

The friendships you develop online are not made of the same stuff as those made in real life. The internet is a friendship coffee filter: You get all the tastie, Colombian, acidic, caffeinated goodness without a single grain of coffee. In short, you get the essence of coffee. A friendship developed in real life is like a French Press (say what you will about their politics, the fuckers know how to eat!), You get all the tastie, Colombian, acidic, caffeinated goodness, the stuff you want, but you also have to deal with the grinds, something in which you are not necessarily interested.

Its the wierd grinds your friends leave in the bottom of your metaphorical cup that make a relationship strong. Overcoming differences or conflict adds a level of intimacy and complexity that we can never get from internet buddies. I.B.s can be shut off, ignored, or deleted. And since they're as much a fantasy as getting to manage a Dairy Queen for a summer or finding Sasquatch, you can never truly trust the input you're getting (have you learned nothing from The Matrix?!).

I guess I should end this post before I start coming to each of your houses to shake you by the shoulders and make sure you're not spending too much time online. I'd like to paraphrase Chuck Palahniuk to pinch this ripe turd of a post right off:

You are not your Logon Name. You are not your Avatar. You are not your fucking Emoticon.

Rev. Joshua

Ki-AI!

So I started attending High Sierra Jujitsu on Tuesday. It's suuuuper fun. After just two classes I already know about 6 different ways to shatter a wrist/elbow. During my first class I was already doing throws and falls. Everybody's hella nice and helpful which makes learning all the easier and more fun.

I spent like 15 minutes solid doing really bad forward rolls and back falls. That's gonna' be the part what pisses me off about the art: Falling voluntarily, especially falling voluntarily and doing it correctly is just not natural. Plus its really hard not to fart when you're being hurled through the air and slammed on your back. Its just a matter of time, really....

I'm really glad nobody knows I have a year and a half in antoher discipline, because I have become quite uncoordinated during my several years of severe inactivity. To make matters (and my shame) worse, I came from a striking art and I'll be damned if I can shoot a measely four punches in sequence during the warm-up. It's all good, though, I went back to martial arts to develop all that shit again. I just don't like starting from scratch.

Very soon I'm going to have to get some of those ninja pajamas so I can fit in with the other kids. That's when I'm going to start really whipping Lynell's ass at home. There's no stopping me once I don the Power Jammies.

Rev. Joshua

All Fruit Breakfast

For breakfast today I had 50 grams of Banana-flavored protein shake, a peach yogurt, and a small bowl of applesauce. I was full and happy when I was done and it was a very healthy meal.

Good.

The bad news is that whenever I belch, it tastes like I just blew the fucking Kool-Ade Man. All I can hear in my head as K.A.M.-essence overtakes the tastebuds is, "Ooh YEAH!!"

Rev. Joshua

Ode To Epiglottis

Epiglottis, you're the one for me.
You keep the food in the food tube.
You keep the air in the air tube.
Sometimes there are mix-ups,
But I take full responsibility for that,
I can be confusing.

Epiglottis, can you keep a secret?
I like you a lot more than most of my other body parts.
Definitely better than my pinky toes
And definitely better than my appendix.

Given the chance, I'd take you someplace really classy
Like Red Lobster or Outback. Maybe a movie.
You're pretty much awesome.

You Gotta' Love 'Im!

Mr. Bush is a fucker. You may be surprised to hear it, but it's true. You've probably got a few reasons to want him struck in the garbage repeatedly by a football-kicking mule, but here's the latest: He has authorized wiretaps on American citizens without warrants more than 30 times!! There are already talks of impeachment. Nothing would make me happier than to have this low-life kicked out of office.

You're An Asshole, Mr. Grinch

Chistmas...is OVER! That's right, it's DONE. Is it because the left wind psychos turned it into Christmahannukwanzica? Or because G-Dub put, "Happy Holidays," on his Christmas cards? Is it because of the blatant commercialization of a pagan solstice celebration bastardized by the ancient Christians? NO. None of those. Christmas is over because I opened all of my presents already. My beautiful lady, Lynell, ordered nearly everything on my list and just gave them to me as they rolled in. Then I gave her the complete works of Calvin and Hobbes. So now X-Mas is pretty much over. Now I just have to bide my time until New Years when I can tie one on.