Rev. Joshua's Sermon

Sophistication

2006-10-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

When we moved in to the new house, I wasn't all that excited about the gas stove in the living room. I mean it's nice and all, kind of classes up the joint a bit, but I didn't forsee spending a lot of time in the front room. I'd post a pic but I'm at work and it won't let me for some reason.

Anyway, my love for the stove was increased drastically last night when I fired it up, got a giant pillow, and read my zombie book. I just kind of rotisseried myself, turning when one side was warm and the other cool.

Reading a book in front of the fire = total sophistication.

But there's kind of a downside, too, because now I have to hire a butler, a maid, and a driver and I just don't make sophisticated money. Plus I don't think farting is very sophisticated so I think I'm giving up the lifestyle before it even begins. Aaah well, it was good while it lasted.

They Call Me, "Uncle Beef."

2006-09-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

So Nellbot and I have a tendency to kind of fall in love with words. Sometimes we just realize that a word is fun to say or inherently funny. "Rudabega," is a fine example. Just say it a couple times, you'll see what I mean. Welp, one of our favorites is, "beef." There's just something so goofy and final about it. I dunno.

Anyway, I was in the meat section of the grocery store yesterday and I realized that I had been tuning this little kid out who was doing something repetitive. As I paid closer attention I realized that he was saying, "beef, beef, beef, beef, 100% beef....beef - beef," over and over-like. I had to giggle to myself since the little guy was saying one of my favorite words. He was one of us.

I told Nellbot about it in the car and we had a good laugh.

Later we visited our friends Pammy and Jim and their kickass kid, Daniel. Now Jim doesn't quite have the obsession with funny words as Nellbot and I do but he can appreciate them when we bring them up. That's why, "DOUCHE," is still uttered relatively often amongst our friends. So I tell the story of the beef boy and we all have a good laugh. Inlcluding Danny. He starts saying his version of, "beef," which he pronounces, "bee." Then Jim and I start saying it again and Danny laughs super hard. For about 45 minutes after that Danny would saunter over to me and say, "Bee! Bee! Bee!" and then I'd say, "Beef! Beef!" He'd laugh and run off. It was then that I realized the boy's nickname would forever be, "Beef."

Later, Jim and I went to get some food being the hunter/gatherer types we are. The second I walked in the door Danny started saying, "Bee! Bee! Bee! Bee!" Pammy was excited because Dan remembered me. Then she said, "Nope. You're Beef." To which I replied, that's cool, I'll be Uncle Beef. It'll make the stories he tells his friends all the better."

"One time, me, my dad and my Uncle Beef went to the Monster Truck Rally...."

The utlimate test will be to see if he starts yelling it next weekend at the house warming.

Corn Chips and Some Salsa

2006-08-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love salsa, particularly fresh salsa. That is, there are very few canned or jarred salsa that I actually enjoy. There are many canned salsas that are tolerable, but fresh salsa has always been the way to got. The wierd thing about fresh salsa is that there are very few big chains that make it. So whenever we move to a new region, I begin a fairly exhaustive search for quality fresh goodness to eat on my corn chips. When I lived in Arcata it was Casa Lindra. The stuff is made locally and is positively addictive. I was completely heartbroken to find that CL hasn't made it this far east. Eventually I settled on a brand the Safeway we frequent always carried. It wasn't bad, but it was no Casa Lindra. We made due.

A couple of months ago Nellbot and I went on a road trip with some friends of friends in an RV. Somebody brought Mexican food and they had some canned salsa that blew my mind! I was pretty sceptical at first: Not only was it canned, it was in a pretty ghetto-looking package. But there were corn chips and salsa sitting in front of me, what was I to do? Eat a whole jar of the stuff, that's what. Herdez is a brand which is some sort of subsidiary of Hormel. I don't know if the stuff just gets imported from Mehheeco or if it's made to look that way, but you can see by the packaging that it looks like some sort of off-brand, grocery outlet-type food. You know, like Campbell's Gazpacho and the like. Check it out.We had the red salsa, in the middle there. Now we can't get enough of the stuff. We bought two jars of it on Monday. We ate one jar promptly after getting back from the Over-Wal-Mart. The next day we polished off the second jar. Wednesday, Nellbot broke her fish, Gillagain's tank and so had to go back to the Wal-Mart of DOOOOM (seriously, the thing is friggin' enormous!). I told her to pick up some more salsa as I scratched my arm in anticipation.

She came back with 2 giant bags of corn chips and six jars of salsa. We're down to 3 jars today. I ate one for breakfast. Anyway, if anybody out there likes salsa, give this stuff a shot. You should be able to find some with little trouble in your local grocery store since it's distributed by Hormel. Bon apetit!!!

This || Close To Jail

2006-08-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

So Nellbot hadda' get her hair done today at the mall. While I was waiting I went off and got a tasty pretzel with nacho cheese, looked at movies, cool t-shirts, and some posters at various stores. I knew it was getting to be about the time that she'd be done so I headed back over to the get your hair done place and sat on the bench in the hallway.

Enter The Family. A family of four came in through one of the entrances from outside and started milling about the hairdo place. There was a boy of about 10 and another around 12-13. The 13 year old started wandering off toward's Macy's and the dad asked him where he was going. "Macy's," was the kid's reply. "Why?" asked the dad. I didn't catch the kid's response but whatever it was, the dad didn't like it because as the mom came out of the hairdo place he said, "If he talks back to me again I'm gonna' bust him in the fucking mouth."

Now, for those of you who don't know, I spent four solid years working with kids from the ages of 6 - 18. I did so because I believe passionately that, cliche though it may sound, they're our future. I feel our future generations need our attention now more than ever and that we need not focus solely on our own kids' well-being.

So naturally I bristled a little when I heard the guy say this. It wouldn't have been so bad if the guy had been letting of some steam out of ear shot of the kids. But the younger one was standing right next to the dad. There's no fucking reason for your kids to hear such things. As the older kid sauntered back the dad said, "You're just a fucking kid. Your opinion doesn't carry a damn bit of weight."

Then they were leaving. It took everything I had in me to not get up and beat the guy senseless. The last thing those kids need is to hear their dad tear into them about how they don't matter. I've been sitting here for a couple of minutes trying to find a way to express how enraged I was to see this asshole take something as incredible as his kids for granted and I just can't do it. I wanted to show him how it feels to not matter. All I wanted was to break him down and make him feel as worthless and helpless as his kids no doubt feel.

Anyway, I don't think I would have just given him a sound thump on the head or two: No doubt somebody would have ended up pulling me off of him. Since I have plans to raise our own children some time in the no-so-distant future, I felt that doing 3-5 for assault and battery seemed like a pretty bad idea.

Impulse Buys

2006-06-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody's done it: You're in the express lane at the grocery store and you see that they're going to clone Jesus so you pick up a copy of the Inquirer and who can read the Inquirer without eating a Slim Jim? Nobody, that's who.

Well, Nell and I are big-time impulse buyers. We've learned to control it over the years, for the most part. But there have been moments in our lives where we just bought the thing and then were blown away that we bought them later.

Take our bed, for instance. I had about 2Gs worth of tuition reimbursement. Well, obviously we had to buy iPods, that was a given. But what about the rest of the cash? Welp, we were sleeping on a crack-house bed, i.e. just a mattress on the floor so we decided we would drop a solid grand on a decent bed. We set out early for a long day of bed-shopping and price comparisons. The first store we stopped at was just about a block from our home, the illustrious (sing it with me) Mattress LAAAAAAND. After about 6.32 minutes of browsing, we went ahead and bought a nice Certa with the individually wrapped springs. To this day it sleeps like a dream (get it?) and we've always been happy with it.

Then you got the White Ninja. You all know and love it as the rockin'est fuckin' fuck machine on the road. We applied for credit online with a car place and got approved. So we went in that Saturday, ready to test-drive a car or two and then compare notes with some other dealerships. Imagine our surprise when we drove home an '03 Focus! Talk about impulse buys!

Today we were thinking, "Hey, how could we possibly top the impulse purchase of a fucking car?" And that's when it hit me, we'd buy a house! So I made a quick phone call and we headed out to Spanish Spring around 4:00 to look at a house. By 4:20 (smoke 'em if you got 'em) we were signing paper work.

The sellers want to move to another school district and they want to do it soon so they knocked off $30,000 off the price and offered to pay all the buyer/seller fees. On top of that, the guy that's doing the finance is the mook that lost our info when we were looking for a house in '03 then blew us off. Our realtor sends him a LOT of business and was apalled that he'd been so unprofessional so she went ahead and got him to do the financing for FREE!!!

It is literally not going to cost us a penny of actual cash to buy this joint. Sure, we'll still have to sell our souls, but neither of us have much use for 'em.

So anyway, we'll be moving in on the 22nd of July so keep your calendars open!!

Rev. Joshua 'n' Sister Nell

P.S. We need to find something that will blow impulse-buying a house out of the water for this time in '07 or early '08 so put on your thinking caps!

Back In Action

2006-05-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Welp, it's been a while but I'm back. I'm married now, too.

We were in the Oddfellows building which has a lodge/chapel and a reception hall in the same building. The ceremony was short and sweet, complete with Calvin and Hobbes quote (search the page for, "love"). From the time we got people seated to the time everybody was leaving the chapel was about 7 minutes. Lynell and I spent about 45 minutes alone, enjoying our first momens of matrimonial bliss and eating dinner. Then we signed the appropriate paperwork, got some photos with the families, and got to drinking.

We had an open bar and everybody was glad. We all got really trashed and had lots of fun jumping about to music and so forth. I was double-fisting beer and gin 'n' tonics all night, which is why I don't really remember the last hour of the reception or hurling in our bed that night. As we saw friends and relatives over the course of the following day (Sunday), they all told us what a great time they had and how happy they were for us. I guess we all know that our friends love us, but it was still great to have so many of them show up to the wedding and wish us well.

We spent Sunday recuperating and then had dinner at the Oceano with the remaining members of our family who were still in town. Monday we took care of some loose ends then headed off to Nice, CA right next to Clear Lake for the honeymoon. We didn't do much except what folks do on their honeymooon and watch a lot of movies. It was peaceful and quiet and extremely pleasant. We came back on Sunday and have the rest of the week off so we can get our lives in order before we wade back into work.

All in all, everything went extremely well and we're happy and stuff. Good times.

Confessions of a Madman

2006-04-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

So I decided to stop consuming caffeine the other day. I've been contemplating it for some time as I've been having irregular sleep patterns and quality thereof for the last couple of weeks. I'm also super paranoid about getting kidney stones, even though I drink at least a liter of water every day.

This is the beginning of Day Two.

It's weird because I didn't know just how much I rely on it until I cut it out. As I was driving into work today I thought, "Wow, pretty soon my ass end is going to fall out. I'll just have a cup of coffee and everything'll be fine." Well, I'm not drinking coffee now so that theory's out the window.

I'll keep you posted.

Hey, Cool

2006-04-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

I managed to make the body of the blog wider. I had to fish around in the html for a while but I got it. Sweet.

A New Hobby

2006-04-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

So today we were at the local drugstore. I always go there and check out the toys for quality action figures like these handsome devils.

I found some good Marvel characters like a Nightcrawler and a pretty decent Hulk.

Today, though, they didn't really have any awesome figs. They had a Grey Hulk that didn't look all that sweet and they had a Dr. Strange, a character of which I am not a very big fan.

I did see some other action figures but I don't roll with shit like Pokeman and Gundam. They also had some figs that are something of a staple in any drugstore's toy aisle: generic G.I. Joe knock-offs. They come from crazy companies in China or Taiwan and they're never quite up to snuff. Sometimes they're poorly painted, or they're wearing funny hats. I saw a police officer that came with a Soviet-made AK-47 and an Israeli-made Uzi. Huh? That's crazy shit. Everybody knows most American S.W.A.T teams carry H-Ks and the like. I saw another guy that was just wearing some crazy headband, and another that was wearing black, hot pink and neon green. What soldier wears neon, ever?

I became enamoured with these horrific figs! Their cheap crapulance was somehow intoxicating and I would have bought all three, but they were $2.99 a piece! That seemed a bit high for such a terrible product. But then my soon-to-be-sister-in-law (I believe that's the technical term), Rel-Bot pointed out this magnificent bastard.

Action Soldier don't take no shit and he sure as fuck don't fuck around. Just take a moment to dig 'im.

Yeeeah...Hell yeah...

There are a lot of things that make Action Soldier awesome and I'm here to show you what they are. Then I'll tell you about my new hobby.

Alright, what makes a man a Man? It's the way he dresses, the way he acts, and how sultry and supple his lips look. You see those lips? Soft and kissable, no?

Max Factor, are you out there? Action Soldier should be in a commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker. He's just that pretty.

Also, if he's wearing a camo hat, he should definitely have it cocked jauntily.

Juuust so...

The soldier on the go, the true Action Soldier, should have a large butterfly collar with which to hang-glide in and out of what the veterans call, "The Shit."

I don't know if you noticed all the sweet shit this guy comes with but one of the most important items an Action Soldier can have is a sweet side arm. This one's a revolver and it'll put a hole the size of a bowling ball through your commy pinko face you socialist fucking faggot.

He comes with some other guns with which to fight your god-hating, hippy, nhilist life style. After all, sometimes Action Soldier needs to mow down a bunch of protesting, pacifist bunny fuckers. Don't we all? So that's why he's got these baaaad ass, fully automatic puppies.

Hold on, let me make some room so you can see his arsenal.

Sorry about the shitty state of this photo, but there's no way in hell I'm going to open this baby and destroy the resale value just to provide a better view. But what's worth noting between these guns and Action Soldier's revolver side arm is the size. Scroll up, I'll wait. See how the revolver is roughly proportionate to Action Soldier's hand? See how the rest of his arsenal definitely isn't even remotely proportionate to Action Soldier's hand? Awesome.

It should be pretty obvious by now that I am way, way into collecting shitty action figures. They're friggin' hilarious, for one, and they're super cheap! I'm just glad to start with such a classy, sassy, ass-kicking machine like Action Soldier.

Action Soldier, AWAAAAY!!!

It's ALL Comfort Food

2006-04-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

Work has been stressing me out lately. Mainly it's because I'm getting more and more responsibility, which is absolutely fine with me since it helps me do my job better and be more of an asset to the company. But with that responsibility comes these crazy grey areas where there is not a simple or even concrete solution to the problem/question. Now my boss, Dr. J., has been working in our position for several years so he's got plenty of background info on just about anything that pops up. That is, he's likely dealt with it before. I, on the other hand, have been concentrating mainly on honing my technical skills over the last year or so, and have not dealt with these types of issues. Dr. J.'s happy to help whenever I ask, but I prefer to deal with as much of it on my own as possible, looking to him when I'm stuck.

I don't want to go on any longer about my work situation, though, because I don't want to dwell and I'm not really complaining, either. Mainly I'm using it as an intro to the real topic at hand:

Food.

I like it. I like it a lot. By no means does it rule my life, I don't sit around thinking about grub. But when it's time to eat, I'm glad. I like the act, the ritual, of eating and I like the way it makes me feel psychologically and physically. Since I began my more-or-less healthy lifestyle in September, this hasn't changed a bit. In fact, I feel even better during meal times when I both enjoy the food and know I'm putting healthy stuff into my gut.

Today I was a bit stressed out by this and that. Maybe I'm alone here, but some days I wake up and have kind of a temporary predisposition for stress. It's like my brain says, "I will allow us to be easily stressed out today. It's not up to you, Josh, don't fight it. You'll only get more stressed." So as soon as anything even remotely stressful came up, I was Stressed. Then lunch rolled around. I went down to the cafeteria, got a nice chicken sammich with some quality potato salad and came back to my cube. Within the first bite I felt better. I didn't do any work, I just ate my tastie sammich and relaxed. By the time I finished my meal, I felt completely stress free. That's when I realized that just about all food is comfort food. I wasn't eating mac 'n' chee or clam chowder or freshly baked bread. Just a chicken sammich.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means a foodaholic. I can leave foodahol alone whenever I want, but there's something that goes beyond just feeding the machine for me. It's conciously taking time out to take care of myself that is psychologically appealling. You don't get too many chances to do that at work.

So the next time you find yourself hunkered down in front of a tastie chili-dog or ceasar salad, you thank that tastie treat, maybe have it analyze your dreams or just tell it about your day. You'll feel better.

B'daydah Chips

2006-03-31T11:39:00.000-08:00

I really like potato chips. They've been one of the hardest things to stay away from since I have become more health concious. My favorit flavor is salt and vinegar. It's the perfect combination of salty and sour and I really can't get enough of them. Some good brands for S&Vs are Tim's Kettle Chips, and there is some brand that is supposed to be from Hawaii that isn't too shabby, either. Kettle Chips are my favorite as they get just the right proportions of salt to vinegar and their chips are the correct thickness. Tim's is a close second, but I find their chips to be a bit to thick.

In the cafeteria here at work they regularly carry Tim's, but the flavors vary at random. I new as soon as I got down there that I would have a bag, but all they had was Sour Cream 'n' Onion. Now SCnO is good. I like it, but it couldn't carry S&V's jock strap. Still, it's an acceptable alternative and there was no way I was going to eat some crappy Lay's.

Tim's really let me down with their SCnOs, though. They tasted ok, I guess, but the flavor wasn't very strong. I found myself trying to smash more and more chips in my mouth at a time in order to better taste them. Tim's, if you're out there, you lost a lot of points with me today; you shouldn't really be able to fuck up SCnOs. Not to worry, though, I'll keep coming back for your S&Vs as well as your Black Cracked Pepper.

Mmmm, potato chips.....

Der Hotdoggen

2006-03-26T19:52:00.000-08:00

So yesterday we were in Costco buying 300 pounds of anything at low, low prices. While checking out I saw their little concession stand with a giant hot dog photo. Just like that I realized that I needed a hotdog. I needed one real bad.

So I turned to Nellbot and said, "I need a hotdog. I need one real bad." So once we paid for our stuff and grabbed our friend Hush, we headed to the closest Wienerschnitzel.

I thought I'd have a couple of chili dogs with some onions and a bag of fries, but when we walked into the joint, I saw these.

Now, lemme just say that a 1/3 pound dog should be intimidating. But I grew up ND where having 2nd and 3rd helpings is a way of life. That means that whatever gauge normal people have for what a g'fuckload of food looks like or when to avoid one is either not functional or is missing completely.

That's why I ordered two.

"Two?" said the guy behind the counter?

"Yeah, two of the chili cheese ones. Aaaand, myah, I don't need any fries."

I didn't order any fries. I mean, I'm no gluttonous hog, afterall.

Then Hush ordered the very same.

Then we ate them. Towards the end of the second dog each, we started getting sweaty bloated. We each finished by gently tamping down the last bite like we were Civil War era muzzle-loader rifles. It was not a pretty sight.

Now, one would think that eating 2/3 of a pound of hotdog, combined with 2 very healthy doses of processed real-esque monosodiumglutimized chili product would make you shit your brains out. That was my main concern once I realized exactly what I'd done to myself. But I've been fine for the last 24 hours. That's what scares me. Everthing's been fine. I can only assume that there will be a reckoning. Until that time, I'm just trying to live life to the fullest.

On Fucking Up Your Life As Well As Mine

2006-03-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

I gotta' get this off my chest or I'm going to flip the fuck out.

So I'm getting married in 57 days. As I've said before, I'm really excited about it. Upon hearing this, one of the higher-ups in my deparment promptly started expounding upon his theory that marriage is largely a mistake. He further suggested that I get a prenup in order to safegaurd both my own and my bride-to-be's future security in the event of a divorce.

Now, while I know the guy thought he was looking out for my best interest, that couldn't be further from the case. What he was really doing was taking an opportunity to sound sage while simultaneously complaining about his own life. You see, all this great marriage advice is coming from a guy who got divorced in the last 2 years. Oh, I'm sure he learned a lot from the experience, but that doesn't make him an expert on marriage. In this case, it makes him bitter. I will now address the points he made since I could not do it to his face:

"Remember, 50% of people that get married get divorced." The statistic is poorly calculated and misrepresentational. It is the annual marriage rate per 1,000 people compared with the annual divorce rate. What they should be do is calculate how many people who have ever married subsequently divorced. Which makes the percentage 41. There is speculation that it will never hit 50%. Thanks to http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html for the explanation.
"You've been together 8 years? You're making a mistake by marrying this girl. You haven't been able to explore other options to see if she's really the one that's right for you." The fuck do you know about my love life before my fiance? Every last one of the women I dated before her were out of their fucking gourds. All of them.
"Love is not the only reason to get married. There are a lot of other things you have to take into consideration. You're creating a partnership. You have to look at how you work as a team, etc." This is the one statement he made that I agreed with when separated from the rest of the garbage spewing forth from the hole in the front of his head. We've been living together with combined finances/resources for the better part of 4 years. I know exactly how we work and interact together. Which is one of the many reasons we're going to get married.
"She isn't pregnant already, is she?" No. But thanks for giving me some credit. That'd be a great way to get sucked into a marriage, wouldn't it?
"How old are you? 28? That's not so bad." Ok, cool. I'm glad you're ok with that.
Now I would like to address the underlying, though unstated theme of your diatribe: You're assuming I have not given marriage any real thought or consideration, that I am somehow romanticizing the experience. You don't think I know what I'm getting into. You say hi to me once a day. That is the extent to which you know me. You don't know how I make decisions, you don't know my background, you don't a goddam thing about my life as it is today. You don't know that I am a product of divorce and thus, perhaps take marriage a bit more seriously than many folks. Or that I have essentially been married for the last 4 years anyway. You have no idea what I am capable of and you don't know my woman or how strong and beautiful she is, and you sure as hell don't know how deep my love for her is. All you know is that your marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be. All you have is your mistakes. You have 15 years of mistakes and you have twisted them into an argument against marriage, rather than a good explanation for why yours didn't work.

One of my bosses replied, "Josh, I hope you're part of the 50% that stays together forever." Thanks.

Ok, there, I feel much better now.

Oh, and if you're out there Dr. J., this doesn't at all pertain to you. I can handle all the, "Are you sure you still want to get married?" jokes you can dish out.

I'm Not Being Prejudiced, But...

2006-03-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

So there were two older folks talking in a cube near mine. They were discussing American Idol and how a lot of the people on there are doing a lot of modulations and runs on the scales. The man complained about how much they're like Mariah Carey and that he didn't enjoy that. The woman said, "That's Black. I'm not being prejudiced, but I am sorry, that's black."

He said, "Well, no it isn't."

She said, "Oh yes it is and now all the kids on there are doing that."

Well, cool, as long as you're not being prejudiced.

They then went on to discuss Jazz music at length, mentioning greats like Ella Fitzgerald. Gee, jazz doesn't have any modulations or scale runs, does it?

I'll Wrastle Ya' Fer It

2006-03-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

There are two things you need if you're going to start wrestling or any kind of grappling:

A realization that you're going to get schooled by the experienced folks. They may be nice to you about it, but you're going to do what they want you to because you can't stop 'em.
A willingness to get well acquainted with your asshole as your opponent will be gently tucking your head into your anus each and every time you hit the mat.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, though. I had a lot of fun on Monday and am looking forward to going back next Monday. I did pull a muscle or two in my upper back and neck, but they're healing nicely. Before I went to bed on Monday I had a nice, healing coctail of 40 grams of protein shake with one tbsp of L-Glutamin, a multi-vitamin, two ibuprofen and 3 handfuls of Silly Circles, Safeway's knock-off version of Froot Loops. After that good medicine I'd have to feel better!

With Mustard, Please

2006-03-20T14:31:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my first night training at a Brazilian jiujitsu school. One of my good friend's coworkers is a sensei (I dunno what they call it in the Brazilian arts). The man is a police officer and huge, as are many of his students.

Then there's me.

I'm'a get tied up like a pretzel tonight.

Too Soon

2006-03-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

Welp, it looks like I spoke too soon. Just minutes after I wrote the Drama post (as seen directly below) I found out that drama is rearing its ugly head once again.

My fiance NellBot and I are getting married at the end of May and I'm pretty excited about it. We're both mostly simple folk so our ceremony will be very basic and short. My younger brother is going to be my best man and the only member in my half of the wedding party. NellBot, on the other hand, originally planned to have 5 members in her half of the wedding party, her two sisters, and 3 good friends. But she was worried that it would look weird with just one dude on my side and a small cadre of wimminz on her side. Therefore, she decided just to have her two sisters, one of which would be the maid of honor and stand by us during the ceremony while the other would sit down.

Fine. No mess, no clean up.

Here's where it gets tough, though.

NellBot's two sisters are CatBot and RelBot. CatBot was RelBot's maid of honor. NellBot was the maid of honor at CatBot's wedding. So the only one who has not yet been a maid of honor is RelBot. With me so far? Cool. NellBot and CatBot have been getting along much better over the last year and a half than they had in the past. Consequently, NellBot thought it would be nice to have CatBot as her maid of honor. BUT, RelBot mentioned that she was a bit hurt that she was not asked to be the MoH. NellBot realized that perhaps she was a bit hasty in asking CatBot, and wanted to change her mind.

No drama just yet, but its coming!!

Meanwhilre, back at the ranch, CatBot has been organizing a bridal shower which she sort of comandeered from our friend Pammy. We love Pammy and her husband and their little boy, Danny. They're a part of our family. But Pammy graciously respected CatBot's sisterly claim to such a thing and is apparently helping.

As I sat typing the Drama post (as seen directly below), NellBot had emailed CatBot, asking her if it would be a big deal to make RelBot the MoH instead. To which CatBot replied, "Sure. Should I send her the bills for the bridal shower?" Now there's drama. See, CatBot is clearly butt-hurt by the change in plans without taking into consideration RelBot's or NellBot's feelings on the matter (just a quick reminder that this is NellBot's special day). On top of that, while CatBot's bridal shower efforts are not unwelcome, they were unsolicited. So for her to hold such a thing over NellBot's head was incredibly manipulative.

Now NellBot's butt-hurt as well, though rightfully so. CatBot called their mom earlier in the day to discuss the matter, and NellBot called their mom as soon as she got home from work. The sisters have spoken on the phone, but I don't think anything has yet been resolved.

And there it is, Drama. Looks like I opened my big mouth too soon.

Drama

2006-03-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a fan of reality television. Yes, it's probably not all that, "real," and it's probably scripted and edited to be more exciting than the actual experience. Still, though, there's this weird window into the human condition that I find fascinating. So it is no surprise that I ended up watching this show today.

The basic concept of the show is to find a good woman for Flava Flav. Of course, if they were all good for him it would be kind of a boring show. So some of them are decent enough, but most of them are triflin'-ass whores with narcisistic attitudes and huge mouths (though their vocabularies seem to be fairly limited). Not a day goes by on the show when the hookers don't get in a verbal rumble and call each other colorful names.

It's a non-stop barage of, "ya'll don't look like Biance," and, "youdon'tknooowmeyoudon'tknooowmeyoudon'tknooowme." I don't understand how anybody could be SO dramatic all the fucking time. It made me really glad that I have surrounded myself with people that aren't absolutely insane or otherwise mentally unstable. I don't have to spend any time worrying about silly, egoistic things and can focus on the real obstacles in life.

If you're out there ladies and gents, thanks and I love you!!

More Tales from the Mat

2006-02-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

I got my shichikyu, or third degree blue belt today at jujitsu.

Green

2006-02-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

I just ate a nutritious little salad and a turkey sammich, no mayo.

My body is positively giddy with nutrients.

Ice Breaker

2006-02-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

Ice Breakers Spearamint is pretty much the best chewing gum of all time and space. Firstly, I love spearamint and wintergreen gum. On top of that, Ice Breakers starts out soft and stays that way regardless of how long you chew it. The exception, however, is when you drink cold liquids with the gum in your mouth. This will cause it to harden rather quickly. AND, once the flavor is gone, the gum still tastes pretty good (this sounds like they should be mutually exclusive, but such is the enigma of gum). It's not like a piece of Bazooka Joe where the second the flavor runs out, the gum hardens and has a nasty taste.

That's the stick form. However, the new cube form blows. Firstly, it has a crunchy outer shell which I find somewhat tactilely unpleasant. Secondly, the gum has a slightly different, less appealing taste than the stick. Thirdly, for ten measley cubes it's like $.30 more! The one thing the cube has going for it is that it has a nice consistency, though a bit more rubbery than the stick.

Idunno....

2006-02-21T07:03:00.000-08:00

So my fiance, Nellbot, has an older sister, Catherine, who works for Armani in NYC. I'm not exactly sure what she does there, but she gets all kinda' discounts and so forth. She sent a little sample package of aftershave and men's shampoo last week. When Nellbot and Catherine were on the phone, Nellbot thanked her for the samples. Catherine asked her if I would be interested in some cologne that smelled the same. Nellbot relayed the offer to me, to which I replied, "I dunno, you tell me."

Now, I don't want this to sound like I was being an asshole, somehow intentionally indifferent for the sake thereof. Mainly, I just don't know about that shit. The cologne I'm currently wearing was picked out by the fabulous Nellbot. She said she liked it, I didn't find it repellant, so I started wearing it. My main concern is that I don't smell like crotch or armpits. So long as I have those target areas taken care of, I really can't formulate an opinion. Likewise, I can't comment on whether I like tope or eggshell better. They're both just white to me. I simply don't have the refinement nor the inclination to make the distinction.

On top of all that, I'm far more concerned with when the next The Goon tpb comes out, who would win in a fight between robot-Sally Struthers and robot-Bruce Valanch, and whether or not I'll ever finish my version of The Aristocrats.

Nellbot understands this about me and I think it actually makes our lives a bit simpler. That is, if she wants me to wear a certain fragrance, I'll just wear it. Since I don't have an opinion on the matter there can be no conflict. So I say, "I dunno, you tell me," and she smiles and says to Catherine, "Yeah, he wants some."

A match made in heaven.

WHEW!!

2006-02-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been at work since 7:00 and I have finally put out all the fires that require my attention. Maybe now I can actually get some work done.

We did arts from the Nage list last night in jujitsu. Nage is ALL sweeps and throws. That means I took a pounding and I can definitely still feel it today. It also showed everyone how I still can't commit to any fall that involves a straight-over. Sensei said we'll have a class on rolls and falls on Sunday, though, and I'm hoping that will clear up a lot of my issues. I think I need them broken down for me just like learning a new art.

More Words I Hate

2006-02-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Here are some more, "words," I hate to hear.

"Conversate" Ok, you have a conversation. When you do so, you converse with another person.

"Electronical" If you have an electronically produced report, it is considered electronic.

"Automize" If you want something to run on it's own, I think you want it automated. Unless, for some inexplicible reason you want treat your reports as though they were made up of many discrete units. In which case, I apologize.

Professor

2006-02-06T07:44:00.000-08:00

In the American Judo & Jujitsu Federation, a person who attains a 7th degree black belt (Shichidan) is called a professor. Tonight we will have a class with Professor Hudson from Davis, CA. My sensei is a Godan, or 5th degree black belt. I'm excited to see what the difference is. It'll also be nice to see another style of teaching and outlook on the system. I should be cool! I just hope my back isn't still tweaked by tonight.

Tales From the Mat

2006-02-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

I had to take my first real straight-over last night. Until then, I had taken one from a hip throw which isn't nearly as terrifying as having my shin kicked and then hurling myself into a flip, landing on my back. That's what I had to do last night. I didn't do it well, which is to be expected, but I did it.

The two main people that run the dojo are sensei Franco and his wife, Cyndo. Franco's been encouraging, but not overly demanding. He realizes that I'm freakishly large and that it would be more difficult to do the rolls and falls and easier for me to get hurt doing them. His wife, on the other hand, doesn't give a fuck. So, when she was showing us how to do the art, she insisted on throwing all of us so we know how it should feel. When it came to my turn, I kind of did it, I guess. When I got up and started working with my uki (partner), he said, "How was that?"

To which I replied, "Ok, I guess. All I know for sure is that I was in the air forever and then my back hurt."

He said, "Perfect."

Bushed

2006-02-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. Reeeally tired today. I went out with sensei and some of the other folks from jujitsu last night. I drank a few beers and didn't get into bed until almost one. Don't even start. You're tired, too. Well shut up, this is MY blog and I'M the one what matters!!!!

Grrrr....

2006-01-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

I can smell breakfast sausage patties. Somebody near my cube has breakfast sausage patties and I can smell them. I loooove breakfast sausage patties. Breakfast sausage patties are fatty, salty, made of pork, and delicious. I want breakfast sausage patties something fierce right now. Instead of eating breakfast sausage patties, though, I'm going to eat a protein bar. Protein bars are chocolaty. They are not fatty, salty, made or pork, nor delicious.

Breakfast sausage patties....

Break

2006-01-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

Well, everything has been arranged: I'm taking a 6 month break from school. I have a lot going on: running, weights, jujitsu take a bulk of my free time during the week and that still doesn't cover making sure my friends feel loved and schmooping up my fiance. On top of that, I'm tired of the people I have to work with at school. Since I go to Phoenix, I'm stuck with a learning team. Inevitably I end up with slackers/morons. On top of all that, I can't seem to muster enough of a shit to give. Homework? Meh, I'll take the deduction for being late and wait another week.

I would have just taken a 60 leave of absence, but then I'd return very close to the wedding date and want to take another LoA. Nope, the big break is the way to go. I'll come back fresh and ready to pinch off my last year of school.

Danger Team Escape Force Alpha Team, Motorvate!!

2006-01-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

Everyday, a woman in a white rice burner shows up about the same time as I do in the parking lot at work. She absolutely insists on backing her car into her chosen parking space. It doesn't seem to matter to her that it takes for fucking EVER, and that during that time, I'm stuck behind her, unable to get to my own parking space and start my day. "But, Rev., why does it take so long? Shouldn't she be able to just pull in front of it and back in?" That's what you may be asking (actually, you're probably done asking it, but I can't make you read this while you're thinking it) and that's a good question. The answer is that she can't fucking drive to save her life.

Now it's irritating enough when somebody wastes your time but it's for more or less a good reason. That is, while I have a hard time being stuck behind old people in traffic, I at least realize that they have the right and the need to get from A to B just like I do. But when you suck up a full 3 minutes of my life I'll never get back because you INSIST on doing something time consuming that doesn't even do you any good, it makes me want to burn down buildings and shoot baby puppies.

Still, I have to wonder: why is she doing it? Is it saving her that much time on the way out of work? Does she need to be THAT ready to roll out in case of an emergency? Maybe she's a member of the Danger Team Escape Force Alpha Team! If that were the case, she'd have to be able to blast off post haste, without all that backing up jazz that'll keep a DTEFAE member from making up those precious seconds between life and death. But THEN I think, well hey, should she be able TO BACK HER GODDAM CAR INTO THE FUCKING PARKING SPOT QUICKLY?!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

Acoutrements

2006-01-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

For many years, now, I have been jealous of smokers. Not because they're destroying their lungs and slowly giving themselves cancer, but because of how cool smoking is. As a smoker you get all kinds of accessories like Zippos, cigarette cases, extra long filters, etc. So about a year and a half ago I bought an A-Team cigarette case from eBay but I knew I wasn't going to put cigarettes in it. I can fit the better part of a pack of gum in there, though. So I carry it off and on and everybody who's anybody that has seen it has been unable to say no to the chewy goodness within.

Today I found myself chewing a tasty piece of Spearmint Extra (not my favorite gum, which is Ice Breakers Spearamint, but good, none the less) and wishing I had a humidor for my desk in which I could keep a bunch of gum. I wouldn't just dump them in there, I'd lay them in there lovingly, making nice, orderly stacks. Then I realized that what I really want is a swanky mansion with a Den. Because THAT'S where you keep a kickass humidor. It would be all stylish in there with animal heads and lots of wood finish. I can imagine it now....

"You see, Mr. Mendoza, I have never been one to take betrayal lightly. You do realize that you have betrayed me, do you not? Of course you do. Mind if I chew? Can I offer you a piece of gum? No? Loyalty is the number one trait, Mr. Mendoza, that I look for in an employee and you have let me down. You not only make me look bad to my enemies, but to my other men, as well. This is a shame I can only rectify by taking your life, Mr. Mendoza. Many men in my position would not dirty their hands with a simpleton like yourself, but I am a man of character. You should be honored."

ka-BOOM!!
ka-BOOM!!
ka-BOOM!!

Sound of the Shadow

2006-01-20T15:17:00.000-08:00

So I'm wearing my napkin ninja t-shirt today. Everybody looks at it funny but they don't ask me about it. I guess it's because they know better....

Rev. Joshua

The Same Difference and Other Symantic Nitpickings

2006-01-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

Alright, read this brief article. There, now I don't have to explain why the phrase, "same difference," as it is commonly used, is wrong. That frees up some time to bitch about it's use. Don't. Whenever I hear people use this phrase, I immediately assume that they are not thinking about what they're saying. It may not be fair, but they immediately sound ignorant to me. I emplore you, both for your own sake, and the sake of any pompous, verbose assholes you may encounter in life, take the time to consider the words randomly falling out of your mouth. Here's a list of other phrases or words you can go ahead and refrain from using:

"At this point in time..." If you were to say, "At this point, we don't know what software program we're going to purchase," would somebody suggest you take a step to the left and try to pick a software program? Would they ask you to pick a number farther up or down the number line?

"Irregardless." Yes, it actually is a word, but if Mirriam-Webster says don't use it, don't. You trust them to accurately define, "muggle," why not trust them all the way?

"It's going," is not an acceptable response to, "How's it going?" It is an accpetable response to, "Is it going?"

Don't answer, "How are you?" with, "Well, it's Monday," or, "Well, it's Friday." I won't go too deeply into this one at this point in time, as I've already written a post about it. Irregardless of how you feel about weekdays, you should be able to muster a better response.

Those are the only ones I can think of right now, but I'm sure there will be a part II to this post.

Sensei

2006-01-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

So the sensei at the dojo is a very nice man. He's very compassionate, yet still firm when needed. He is what I would consider a classic warrior poet-type, if a little doughy in the gut.

But he's also from the East Coast. There's something very real and gritty about him. The two aspects of his demeanor by no means conflict. In fact, they balance each other quite nicely. However, it can be a little jarring sometimes.

My friend, Gunner, who has trained with Franco in the past, mentioned this to me on more than one occasion, but I experienced it myself for the first time tonight.

We were working on a choke hold, and I asked a question. In the course of answering the question, he said, "You know, it's been said throughout the martial arts world for a long time, that if you control the head, you control da' resta da' gaiee." I'll write the sentence again, but this time I'll kind of diagram it out for you to reveal the comedy being filtered out through my inability to be heard:

"You know, it's been said throughout the martial arts world for a long time, *Here, he sounds like an average person, very little accent. He's accessing the Senseithalomus, the part of the brain where wise sayings and their practical application are stored* that if you control the head, *still from the Senseithalomus* you control da' resta' da' gaiee *Here we see a rapid, unexpected shift to an East Coast accent and syntax*"

It took all my jujitsu power not to laugh at him. It helped that he was being really serious. Still, though, it was a struggle.

I just realized that there isn't really an end to this story, but I typed a g'fuckload already, so I'll be damned if I'm just going to erase it all. Instead, I'll end this endless story as I have ended so many other stories without end.

Aaaand, Scene.

Manifestette

2006-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

For the last two weeks, my Tuesdays and Thursdays consisted of working from 7:00 - 3:30, picking up my woman, heading straight to the gym for a 20 minute jog, then hustling home for protein shake and yogurt, then hustling off to jujitsu. If all goes well, I have about 30 minutes in the early evening that I could call, "free time." It is somewhat hectic, but it's been active, healthy, and thus, constructive.

Today, though, I forgot my workout gear at home. When I got here, I had already lost whatever motivation I might have had to get on the treadmill. Using the insane Tues/Thurs schedule as an excuse, I sat on my ass. As jj approached, I got up and got my gear together. I then had a bizarre panic attack in which I was suuuper concerned that I would be unable to tie my belt correctly. So I used up some of my travel time finding this instructional video online. Then it was clear that I was going to be late so I started to use the excuse that being late is somewhat disrespectful to the class and the teachers to keep from going. Then I realized how selfdestructive I'd been throughout the afternoon and cowboyed the fuck up and headed out. I was late to class and missed out on some cool throws and falls, but was glad I went, none the less (I learned how to break a neck, colapse a trachea and choke somebody into unconciousness!!).

The moral of the story? I need to stay strong and remember that all the progress I have made physically and mentally over the last 4 months has been awesome. I must also remember that I have to keep striving to improve.

Stunning Discovery

2006-01-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

The other day I arrived at home and found my fiance arranging some flowers. They were nice flowers and she did a good job of arranging them just so, so I didn't really give it a second thought. But tonight I came home to see her watching Phantom of the Opera. That's when it hit me; I think my fiance is gay! It all adds up, the interior design, the flower arranging, a love of musicals. It's been there in my face all along, how could I have been such a fool?!

I just hope that sassy Guatamalan pool boy that works for the apartment complex doesn't find out. I don't know what I'd do if he thought poorly of me....

Much More Jujitsuier

2006-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

I had my introduction with the yawara stick, a.k.a. "the six-inch bo-staff," on Thursday. It's amazing what kind of damage you can do with a six-inch length of dowel. We learned a lot of basic pressure points to hit, and which of those are lethal. There was something pretty gratifying about learning the finer points of a weapon developed by cave men.

Lesson of the Day?

If somebody wants to hurt you, just poke 'em with a stick.

B'ware the Interweb

2005-12-31T01:13:00.000-08:00

Do NOT let the internet replace your real life! Its a tool, yes, and a toy. You can find people from all over the world with similar interests, hobbies, and psycological disorders. Or you can find people from all over the world pretending to have similar interests, hobbies, and psycological disorders. 30 Helens agree: 99% of all the internet lesbians having cybersex at any given moment are dirty old men in their 40s!

You can pay your bills online and re-register your car, but a vast majority of the internet is just one big fantasy. You can find whatever you're into on the 'net from gerbil-stuffing philanthropist bisexuals to the really freaky stuff like saltwater taffy pullers. The people we meet on the internet and the people we present ourselves as on the internet are no exception. That's why there are no men on the internet with 2" peckers and stamina issues. They've all got 48" prehensile wangs with the gift of speech and a PC muscle that could crack walnuts if they weren't clenched in a heroic battle to ensure a fortnight-length bone session.

The friendships you develop online are not made of the same stuff as those made in real life. The internet is a friendship coffee filter: You get all the tastie, Colombian, acidic, caffeinated goodness without a single grain of coffee. In short, you get the essence of coffee. A friendship developed in real life is like a French Press (say what you will about their politics, the fuckers know how to eat!), You get all the tastie, Colombian, acidic, caffeinated goodness, the stuff you want, but you also have to deal with the grinds, something in which you are not necessarily interested.

Its the wierd grinds your friends leave in the bottom of your metaphorical cup that make a relationship strong. Overcoming differences or conflict adds a level of intimacy and complexity that we can never get from internet buddies. I.B.s can be shut off, ignored, or deleted. And since they're as much a fantasy as getting to manage a Dairy Queen for a summer or finding Sasquatch, you can never truly trust the input you're getting (have you learned nothing from The Matrix?!).

I guess I should end this post before I start coming to each of your houses to shake you by the shoulders and make sure you're not spending too much time online. I'd like to paraphrase Chuck Palahniuk to pinch this ripe turd of a post right off:

You are not your Logon Name. You are not your Avatar. You are not your fucking Emoticon.

Rev. Joshua

Ki-AI!

2005-12-30T11:27:00.000-08:00

So I started attending High Sierra Jujitsu on Tuesday. It's suuuuper fun. After just two classes I already know about 6 different ways to shatter a wrist/elbow. During my first class I was already doing throws and falls. Everybody's hella nice and helpful which makes learning all the easier and more fun.

I spent like 15 minutes solid doing really bad forward rolls and back falls. That's gonna' be the part what pisses me off about the art: Falling voluntarily, especially falling voluntarily and doing it correctly is just not natural. Plus its really hard not to fart when you're being hurled through the air and slammed on your back. Its just a matter of time, really....

I'm really glad nobody knows I have a year and a half in antoher discipline, because I have become quite uncoordinated during my several years of severe inactivity. To make matters (and my shame) worse, I came from a striking art and I'll be damned if I can shoot a measely four punches in sequence during the warm-up. It's all good, though, I went back to martial arts to develop all that shit again. I just don't like starting from scratch.

Very soon I'm going to have to get some of those ninja pajamas so I can fit in with the other kids. That's when I'm going to start really whipping Lynell's ass at home. There's no stopping me once I don the Power Jammies.

Rev. Joshua

All Fruit Breakfast

2005-12-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

For breakfast today I had 50 grams of Banana-flavored protein shake, a peach yogurt, and a small bowl of applesauce. I was full and happy when I was done and it was a very healthy meal.

Good.

The bad news is that whenever I belch, it tastes like I just blew the fucking Kool-Ade Man. All I can hear in my head as K.A.M.-essence overtakes the tastebuds is, "Ooh YEAH!!"

Rev. Joshua

Ode To Epiglottis

2005-12-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

Epiglottis, you're the one for me.
You keep the food in the food tube.
You keep the air in the air tube.
Sometimes there are mix-ups,
But I take full responsibility for that,
I can be confusing.

Epiglottis, can you keep a secret?
I like you a lot more than most of my other body parts.
Definitely better than my pinky toes
And definitely better than my appendix.

Given the chance, I'd take you someplace really classy
Like Red Lobster or Outback. Maybe a movie.
You're pretty much awesome.

You Gotta' Love 'Im!

2005-12-19T22:07:00.000-08:00

Mr. Bush is a fucker. You may be surprised to hear it, but it's true. You've probably got a few reasons to want him struck in the garbage repeatedly by a football-kicking mule, but here's the latest: He has authorized wiretaps on American citizens without warrants more than 30 times!! There are already talks of impeachment. Nothing would make me happier than to have this low-life kicked out of office.

You're An Asshole, Mr. Grinch

2005-12-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

Chistmas...is OVER! That's right, it's DONE. Is it because the left wind psychos turned it into Christmahannukwanzica? Or because G-Dub put, "Happy Holidays," on his Christmas cards? Is it because of the blatant commercialization of a pagan solstice celebration bastardized by the ancient Christians? NO. None of those. Christmas is over because I opened all of my presents already. My beautiful lady, Lynell, ordered nearly everything on my list and just gave them to me as they rolled in. Then I gave her the complete works of Calvin and Hobbes. So now X-Mas is pretty much over. Now I just have to bide my time until New Years when I can tie one on.

Hobbled Hussy

2005-11-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

As I walked into work today, I saw a little blue Jeep with the license plate, "900JZM." That's just disgusting! Why not just get a bumper sticker that says, "Will Brake For A Shot of Cum,"? What kind of world do we live in when some sick hooker wears his or her trade on his or her sleave? I remember a time when hookers just stayed on the street corner or the whore house. Now they're freely advertising on their cars!

As if my disgust were not extreme enough, I looked up from the Jizzum Jeep to see that it was parked in the handicapped space! My hard-earned tax dollars aren't paying for the handicapped spots so some slut can make a few bucks off the fact that he doesn't have any legs! Although, I must admit, I've always wanted to try out a legless chick....You know, from a uh...Scientific standpoint....

Rev. Joshua

Psych Twofitty

2005-11-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

So I'm still in my happycrappy psych class. It's all been bullshit which has strengthened my resolve to share as little as possible.

We had to make timelines tonight, breaking our life into a digestible chunks. I used 7 year increments since I'm nearly 28. In each chunk, we were to write a couple of positive moments and share just one of those moments with the rest of the class. Lots of people picked the day their kids were born. The woman before me talked about her gastric bypass surgery and how she lost 200 pounds. My turn.

"I woke up one morning in the summer of 2002...and I realised...that I drank a whole case of beer the night before and I wasn't hung over. That was awesome."

Josh: 2

Psych Hooker: 0

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer Update

2005-11-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

As I parked today, he drove into the parking space in front and to the left of my car. He stopped but made so signs of getting out, as though he were waiting for something. So I jumped out, grabbed my bag from the back seat, locked/closed the doors and hurried off.

In all, I probably took 20 seconds of his time. But what if he's so meticulous and anally retentive that 20 seconds destroys his day? If that's the case, I'm going to end up being referred to as, "The Gimp," and kept in a leather bondage suit in a box beneath the stairs. I don't want to live on people parts! I am not an animal!!!

If you, my faithful reader (I know I'm going out on a limb by assuming I have a faithful reader, but I got nothing to lose), do not hear from me again. Know that I love you and will think of you often as I stand watch while he makes a drag suit out of lady parts. Tell my fiance that I love her.

Rev. Joshua

Health Regimen

2005-11-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

I started a new diet today. The idea is to eat 4-6 small to moderate meals each day, with a focus on protein. I'm to get 1 gram of protein per pound I weigh: 250.

I am currently at 4 meals, 231 grams of protein for the day. Even the minutest *phooh* of a fart stinks something aweful.

Rev. Joshua

Office Chatter

2005-11-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, I work in an ocean of cubicles. There is a veritible labarynth of cubes everywhere you go. I keep waiting for a bizarre all-in-one David-Bowie-with-Michael-Motion's-hands freak contact juggling 4 crystal balls to pop out with some of Jimmy Henson's minions and serve me up a big, steamy riddle. But at times something far worse appears.

It's the office worker that speaks only in nonsequitors and cliches.

Try this one on for size:

Me: "Good morning, Cubie X. How's it going?"

CX: "Welp, it's Monday."

Now, of course I know what they mean. But I'd rather have them wax postal and hear their manifesto than deal with this trite bullshit. How about something like this?

Me: "Good morning, Cubie X. How's it going?"

CX: "'How's it going?' 'How's it going?' I'll tell you how it's going, asshole. I work in an ocean of cubicles. I'm a worker bee, a drone for a queen I shall never meet. I come to work everyday solely because I am in no way qualified for any job which could possibly provide me with any more pleasure or self-worth than the one I currently hold. Everyday I come here is one more day in which I am reminded of all the great things I could have done but will never attempt. I could be finishing my novel or touring Europe. I could be teaching a blind child the true meaning of friendship while saving the manatees and looking good in a wet suit. Instead, I'm here, drinking coffee and waiting somewhat patiently for my turn to die. I spend a bulk of my day thinking of new and inventive ways to kill everybody here using some cartoony Rube Goldberg executionator. In short, I hate this place, I hate these people and I hate my job. Every Monday, every beginning of a new cycle along my Mobius Strip in Hell is an agony with which I can scarcely bare."

See, if they said that, I'd likely high-five 'em and offer up my Erector Set to aid in the construction of the Executionator. But they deliver this simple cliche, instead, which is only indicative of their sad and pathetic lives in which they do not have the fortune of enjoying their job.

The same is true of Friday. They're sending the same message but it's got a little bit more of a manic excitement to it, as they get to pretend that maybe, just maybe, THIS is the weekend in which they take one in the face while cleaning their shotgun or get hit by a speeding truck full of cynderblocks and rusty razorblades and they can finally end the grisly nightmare known as Life.

Aaaanyway, I gotta' go to bed now.
Tomorrow's Monday and I can't WAIT to get to work!

Rev. Joshua

Things of Note from School Last Night

2005-11-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a psych class right now, Individual Personality, or something to that effect. The teacher is a grade school counselor. I can't stand her. I can see that we're all set to do touchy feely exercises like talking about our day and telling the others about ourselves.

These are things I hate to do with strangers. Mainly because I know nobody really cares how my day went or what my favorite whatever is. I know I sure as don't care how their days went. I'm not unfeeling and I don't wish any harm to these people. But ultimately, I just want them to leave me alone. I have friends and a kick-ass fiance and family I can talk to if I want attention or solas.

Now to the meat of the post. Here are a few points of interest from last night's inaugural class.

-Class was 3 hours long. We adressed aproximately 7 minute's worth of content from the book or anything truly relevant to the development of the individual personality (the goal of the class).

-The teacher asked our permission to grade our quizzes. She also asked if the quizzes were fair. We spent a lot of time discussing this, it was like a committee. News flash, sweetheart, THIS IS YOUR CLASS!! It's not a group therapy session for passive agressors. It's your class. If you want to give and grade quizzes, then by all means, fucking give 'em and grade 'em.

-People talked way too much about their feelings in a big group of strangers. I'm sorry your relationship with your mom wasn't a good one, but could you stop monopolizing the class's time?

-We had to pick an analyst to write about for next week. The teacher didn't want us to write papers about the same person. When it was my turn to pick, I said, "I'll do Freud." To which the teacher replied, "Oh, you want to do Freud, huh?" Cute. Not only is that already lame, you're a fucking teacher, act like one. So I replied with a disdainful tone, "Yeah, we're gonna' do a ton of blow and get it on...." I shook my head in disgust. Everybody laughed and she just moved on, embarassed.

-I think I insulted the vegetarian in my new learning team when I told them about the group project I did in another class about killing puppies.

-I decided I won't be analyzed, poked or prodded during this class. Everything will be a joke, just like the teacher. If I wanted these poeple to get to know me, I wouldn't do it in my lower division mental masturbation class.

That's all for now. I'm almost certain there will be related posts in the next 4 weeks. I'm already ready for this class to end.

Rev. Joshua

Bigfoot

2005-10-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

So I've had a few Red Stripes now, Jamaica's finest schwilly beer, and I gotta say, having gone so long without a beer has really paid off. I feel pretty invincible right now.

I feel like I could whip Sasquatch's ass in a fair, out in the open fight. None of this dodging through the underbrush of some Northen Oregon forrest, playing cat-and-mouse ninja-type shit. I'm talking about the kind of scrap where I hit on his woman in a bar after about 3 pitchers of Fat Tire. He looks up from the pool table where he's making some serious bank (1. Yes, pun intended. 2. If you met Sasquatch in a bar, you'd assume you could take him in a game of 8-Ball) and sees me slowly but steadily rubbing my garbage against his woman's kiester. He comes over and pushes me away from her, still holding his pool cue. I fall down because he took a cheap shot but I flip up onto my feet from my back, like The Rock in Doom. Then I come flying in with a left to his gut. While he's doubled over I grab his pool cue and bust it over his head. Right before we really start to tussle, we hear the distinct *Chuk-CHUK* of a 12-gauge chambering a round.

From behind Ol' Betsy, the bartender says, "You assholes take it outside, I'm on parole."

So me and Sasquatch head out to the parking lot to do the man dance....Or the Man/Man-like dance. I don't know if his thumbs are opposable, so I don't know what to call the dance. Any way we square off, ready to see who goes home with a beautiful lady and who ends up wiping his ass with leaves in the middle of B.F.E.

THAT'S how invincible I feel right now.

Rev. Joshua

Beat

2005-10-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

I'm suuuuper tired this morning. It's not the kind of tired you can battle with a simple cup of coffee. I know it's the kind that will be with me a bulk of the day, wearing me down and making me want to punch a neck or two. I reeeeally can't afford to lose my job because of some exhaustion-based neck punches. I'm destined to spend my entire day walking around, doing my best zombie impression and wishing for nothing more than a nappy-poo.

It's times like this when I think, "Maybe smoking a rock or two isn't such a bad idea...."

Rev. Joshua

Crazy Dreams

2005-10-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

I had some crazy dreams last night and I'm going to share them because I very rarely remember them. I think they were all about personal growth in some way or another.

My first dream was brief. All I remember was getting off the crapper and seeing the BIGGEST DUKE EVER. It must have been at least as thick as a beer can and 24 inches long. I was all, "Wow, that's a serious dook."

My second dream was some sort of epic space opera/action sequence. I was running with a guy that was a cross between Mal and Han. I was a little worried because we were getting ready to get off our ship and head into the belly of the Death Star. Of course, it wasn't round and nothing looked like the movie sets: it was a scene I saw the ONE time I played Galactic Battles, the Star Wars FPS. So I'm getting myself psyched up to roll out there and I say, "What if Vader's out there." And Malhan says, "We'll just fuck 'im up." At that point, he was more Han than Mal, because he gave me that classy wink and arrogant smile. Then I said, "Works for me, let's roll." And with that, we ran out of the loading bay. Right outside our ramp was Malhan. I was running with Malhan, but he was also a bad guy. He reached for his blaster and I pushed it into his holster all Kill Bill Vol. 2 style. As I looked up from schooling evil Malhan, I saw a semi-transparent image of Darth Vader materialize in the sky above us. It was a clear indication that he had his eye on us. Then we ran off to some undoubtedly excellent adventure which was interrupted by Rage Against the Machine rockin' Bulls On Parade from the alarm clock.

I don't know what I'm letting go of or getting into, but it seems like I'm prepared.

Rev. Joshua

New CDs

2005-10-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

I got the new Bloodhound Gang CD this weekend and it's AWESOME! Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo rules. My favorite might be No Hard Feelings, a song about breaking up. The chorus goes, "It's not my job to fuck you on your birthday. It's not my job to fuck you on your birthday, anymore." BHG rule. They've got the same addiction to obscure pop-culture references I do.

I got the new Horrorpops album. It's not as good as their first one, but still enjoyable.

I got the latest White Stripes album. They just keep making quality records.

Rev. Joshua

Lame.

2005-10-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of lame websites. I know we all have different tastes, yada yada, but I'm just not interested in sites like this one. Screw you and your cats or dogs or birds wearing tiny glasses and a tiny hat. But, if left to my own devices, I can let these sites slide into the periphery. It's when my dildo friends send me the links and tell me to check 'em out that I get pissed! By now they should know that this shit drives me insane, but they keep sending them to me! I wouldn't even mind if I thought they were just doing it to piss me off. I can take a joke, and at least then I would know they're not sending it to me because they like it.

Maybe, if you have a site like my cat hates you, maybe you get a hobby or you go out and get laid. Hell, I'd prefer they start committing crimes and free-basing crack. ANYTHING to keep you from publishing this garbage.

Rev. Joshua

Takin' It Up a Notch

2005-10-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

Today, after tinkling, I realized I could comfortably tighten my belt another notch. The hard work at the gym and careful diet are paying off, I guess.

To celebrate I had a pizza burger and curly fries from the cafeteria. Don't worry, though, I had a diet coke, so it was a pretty healthy meal.

Diet coke kinda freaks me out. I mean, if you look at the nutritional facts, there are zero calories in a diet soda. It also contains 1% of the daily sodium allowance in a 2000 calorie diet. It's a food, but it has nutritional value similar to that of purified water! But it has way more ingredients than water! I worry about all those other sneaky chemicals that give coke it's not-quite-putrescent taste. They're probably eating my stomach lining or giving me cancer. Ah well, who needs stomach linings or major internal organs? What matters is how great I look!

Rev. Joshua

Speech #2

2005-10-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Last night in school I did a speech on why I don't vote: Because I don't want to end up on a jury that convicts a mobster who will then kill me and mine.

I did pretty damn hella, except I didn't practice it very much, so I didn't get the eye contact I needed. That was the teacher's only criticism, though. Had 'em proverbially eating out of the palm of my proverbial hand.

Proverbial.

Rev. Joshua

Ninja Nerds

2005-10-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

I met today with a guy from another department because we're working on a project together. He's got good database skills and he's from another country (can't remember which). As we were working on my computer, he asked who, "that guy," , "that guy," was on my desktop. I told him some friends and I had an argument over who would win in a fight between Tyler Durdin and Yoda. To which he replied, "Ah, Star Wars, eh? I am too old for Star Wars. I like Star Trek. Spock....Spock and some Next Generation. The rest, no good."

That was the extent of the conversation, but I was pleased to see that there was another nerd in our midst. Not only that, but a nerd from half way around the globe madly in love with the cold, robutesque logic of Spock. You never know when you're gonna' find a nerd lurking about in the office or mall. We don't all smell bad and wear pointy ears. Who knows...there could be one working in the cube next to you...We are everywhere....

Rev. Joshua

Alpha Male

2005-10-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I forgot about this!

Two weekends ago, we went to see The History of Violence. It's a pretty kick-ass movie, if a little slow. I hate, HATE movie talkers. Believe it or not, I didn't plunk down 9 bucks to listen to you chit-chat with your douchebag friend nor to hear you try to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Because this enrages me so, I am accutely aware of any and all distractions during a movie. I wish it were possible to tune these people out and relax, but their utter lack of consideration for those around them grates too much. I still try, though. There's some room for talking at the start of the movie as people settle down and focus their attention, for instance. However, when we were 45 minutes into the film and the couple directly in front of us is still chatting at a conversational tone, I finally lost it.

Moron 1 said something to Moron 2. M2 didn't hear what M1 said and asked, "What?"

To which I replied in a menacing tone, "You can't hear him because there's a movie playing."

They turned to see who could be so rude as to interrupt their coffee shop banter. I stared at them, ready to send a size 14 over the chairs and into their faces. They turned around and they didn't even whisper to each other the rest of the movie.

I can't take it any more. I have to stop any and all movie talkers, even at the risk of bodily harm. If I don't say anything, I'll end up with some peptic ulcer and heart problems. If I'm going to suffer injury on this account, I want it to be in a ham-fisted blaze of glory, not a pepto- and aspirin-chugging Grand Theft Auto race to the emergency room.

Rev. Joshua

Unleashed

2005-10-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

We got the unrated version of Unleashed today. You just can't beat the sound asswhipping Jet Li delivers in that flic. I'm just waiting for Jet Li to make a movie in which ALL he does is stomp mudholes. No story, no stilted, semi-intelligible English, just pure, unadulterated martial artsie goodness.

Wait, hold on, that's just a martial arts tourney. Forget it, I'm good to go.

Rev. Joshua

Attack of the Jeezoid!

2005-10-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

I don't begrudge anybody their religion. Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism, Wicca, if it makes you a better person and/or makes it easier to get through your day, I'm happy for you. Philosphically, I'll probably disagree, but I will still respect your beliefs. But DO NOT shove them on me.

For instance, during my learning team meeting tonight, one of my teammates mentioned that she wanted to know how carbon dating worked. She's curious about science, cool. So I started to explain how it works, but she interrupted me and went on to state that dinosaurs are only about 4,000 years old because that's what the bible says. I let it go because I wanted to finish our assignment.

Later, she mentioned that her dad was buddhist... "And he believes in reincarnation." Our other teammate says, "I believe in reincarnation. The idea is that you get reincarnated so you can eventually become a perfect human being. Then you can go to heaven."

The girl shook her head condescendingly and said, "I mean, who would want to come back to earth in a new body with all the suffering in the world?"

Now I've had enough. Not only is she preaching, she's condemning somebody else's beliefs. So I turn to her and say, "You must not have a very happy life. I love my life, I'm not suffering at all. I'm glad I'm on this planet in this body."

All she could say was, "Oh yeah?"

All I had to say was, "Yeah."

We didn't discuss religion or belief systems after that. I think that was for the best.

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer Update #2

2005-10-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

The other day, in the parking lot, I saw him come sprinting towards me. I tensed up a bit, but I did not get into a full-blown Horse Stance, because I didn't want to tip my hand. There was a possibility that he wasn't coming for me and I couldn't afford to let him know I'm on to what he is.

I was fully ready to bust some Lethal Monkey Flies to the JiffyLoob, when he just jumped in his truck and drove off. I guess he couldn't wait to get home and make it put lotion on it's skin. Keeping people locked in a dungeon is harder work than it seems.

Rev. Joshua

Another Level

2005-10-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today, at aproximately 5:00 pm, Lynell and I will be faster than we have ever been. We will attain new levels of speed, agility and endurance. We will be wearing our kick-ass new shoes. At our increased speed, food will taste different, everything will look different, and the time we spend with our friends will be limited by their ability to keep up. With our New Balance 898: Explosivo model shoes, we will be great.

You may now return to your mundane, normal-paced lives.
See you in the future, suckos.

Rev. Joshua

L.A. Confidential

2005-10-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

I saw L.A. Confidential for the first time tonight. That's a kick ass fuckin' movie! Great story, quality acting and directing. Russell Crow was a stallion. I'm going to buy next time the chance presents itself.

Rev. Joshua

String Cheese

2005-10-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

I looove me some string cheese. It's wicked tastie and fun to eat. But since I've been watching what I eat, I've been getting low-fat string cheese. It tastes ok, I guess, but you can't pull of fstrings because it's not all fatty and volumptuous.

Also, probably as a bi-product of the processing, the quality of one string cheese to the next varies widely. Sometimes it's almost like regula SC, other times it's like eating dairy-based chlorine sticks. Don't they know not to mess with a pudgie guy and his cheese?!

Rev. Joshua

The Speech

2005-10-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I gave a really boring speech on a really sweet subject. You wouldn't think I could screw up comic books, but everyone was clearly board. I still got an A, so I guess that's nice.

Next week I have to give an after dinner speech. I think I'm going to use Reflections in Red #1. It's a spoken word piece I did during my open mic phase. Red was this creepy guy who lived down the street from my sister. He always wore camo pants and said creepy things about killing people. It's pretty cool when you've been done with your homework for 18 months.

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer Update

2005-10-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

I looked up from the silverware rack in the Cafeteria and he was standing right next to me. I smelled his baby lotion before I heard him....

Rev. Joshua

Procrastenator!

2005-10-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have a 15 minute speech due tonight in class. I waited waaay too long to get started on it and I've been working on it all weekend as a result. I have to hustle home after work to wrap that bitch up.

I am Procrastinator, Doer of Things Tomorrow!

Don't look up to me kids, it'll hurt you in the long run. Of course, if you look up to me today, you won't have to worry about it's ill effects for quite a while....

Rev. Joshua

Thanks, Doog.

2005-10-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Do you bloggers ever consider how much we're like Doogie Howser, M.D.? I mean, he sat at his computer at the end of every episode and he wrote about all the tidbits of wisdom he'd learned. And here we are, typing any little inane thought we might have in the hopes of gleaning anything near that level of real-world knowledge.

It was also a nice way to get the moral of a story across for any inbred mongeloids that may not have been able to pick it up via the clever subtext.

And what's the deal with Vinnie eating pizza in the bathroom?! That shit is gross.

Rev. Joshua

Serial Killer

2005-10-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

There's a guy that works on the production floor and I think he's a serial killer. He may not know it yet, but he's probably getting ready.

He's got that super-clean look, but with shabby clothes. He wears his jeans too tight and he tucks in his t-shirts. He wears sweaters that belong on little old ladies. He also wears a fanny pack, a trade-mark serial killer accesory. To top it all off, he always reeks of baby lotion.

Mark my words, it's only a matter of time....

Rev. Joshua

Captain's Blog

2005-10-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I was going to name this the Captain's Blog, but I thought I'd stay in the same vein as my Yahoo! group, Rev. Joshua's Intellectual Tent Revival. You can go there and take the entrance exam if you want.

End of line.

Rev. Joshua